I get so much conflicting data regarding the effects of divorce on children. Some “experts” say children adjust and function well and others say children suffer well into adulthood and it affects their later relationships.

I am so confused as to what to believe. I came across your website yesterday, and it is wonderful to read something that finally makes sense to me. I have remained in an unhappy marriage for years. I am afraid to end the marriage because I don’t want to damage my children for the rest of their lives.

I constantly remind myself that some children who grow up in happily married homes don’t necessarily turn out to be outstanding adults. I also remind myself that it is more detrimental to raise children in a dysfunctional home than a divorced home.

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My boyfriend and I plan on buying a home together. He has been divorced 12 years and has four adult children, two boys from his first marriage and two girls from the second. They grew up together on weekends with their father and his second wife.

He and his first wife hate each other. He gets along with his two daughters and now, after a period of estrangement, with his older son. Recently he has not had contact with his younger son. I am concerned. This young man is a college grad but more of a momma’s boy and in the past into drugs.

My boyfriend loves all his children and misses them terribly when they’re not in his life. I have known him as a friend for 10 years, dated him for six, but the children have not met me.

When he dated and lived with another woman, she verbally mistreated the children. She never incorporated his family photos in their house, and all pictures were of her family only. I am sure the children noticed this the few times they were invited over.

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I am a married man whose wife is a binge drinker. We have four children at home. My wife was a great mother and my best friend. She’s been drinking now for 15 years, gone to meetings, and had all there is to be offered by the National Health Service.

When she left us, she went into shelters or lived on the streets. Last year in October it took its toll. She hit bottom. I am a self-employed engineer and managed to work and keep everything going at home. My wife got dry and spent Christmas with us and got herself a job. This week after eight months for no reason she started to binge again.

I tried to stop the cycle. I talked and talked to her. It didn’t do any good. She missed her 16-year-old daughter’s school show in the West End, and let our 8-year-old down again. These children need their mother. I need her.

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Internal Investigation

About a year ago, I started to suspect my husband was having at least an emotional affair. Something was changing the familiar pattern of our relationship. I also found notes from a woman on his Facebook page and odd numbers on the phone bill.

At first I attributed the change in our level of intimacy to a combination of his age and a medication he was taking for stress. However, when I looked up the medication, there was no indication the drug affected the sex drive. When I asked my husband if he was interested in having an affair, I got a predictable answer.

Then last weekend we were at a pub. He drank too much and told me he would call his younger “friend” to keep him company unless I agreed to stay with him and drink. I was not drinking. I got up and went home, and he followed.

When I asked him about it the next day, he could not give me an explanation. I am an investigator by profession, and part of me wants to follow up. I will be devastated if it turns out he is having an affair–emotional or physical. We have two teenage children. Should I start to dig, or should I live with a suspicious mind?

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Good Woman

My fiancée has asked me to find a new friend for my ex-wife. For reasons I cannot fathom, my ex-wife has made a confidante of my fiancée. My ex-wife is a good woman, but she can become clingy and negative. My fiancée, unfortunately for herself, is friendly and polite–very polite.

Since my ex-wife has custody of my children, it means that said ex-wife holds power over me, and she has tried wielding this power before. My fiancée is becoming burdened with the neediness of the ex, especially when my ex unloads her own rather idiosyncratic views of me, which is sometimes done on a daily basis.

I have been negotiating a revision of custody, parenting time, and child support, all in my favor, and my ex-wife was amenable. But now, as things come down to the wire, she is getting cold feet. Setting her off might not only end up with no gains but actually cause losing ground.

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