Let’s face it, dating is tough. It’s even tougher when you have to get past the social hurdles of being gay. No matter what, you must always remember that it’s your first priority to be true to yourself and make sure you’re with the person you’re seeing for the right reasons. If you don’t look out for yourself, no one else will.

Some people go through life thinking that they will never find “The One.” So they settle. They settle for abusive relationships, selfish lovers, cheaters, and liars – just because they don’t want to be alone. They overlook the fact that sometimes being alone for a while is the best thing. Being alone gives you the opportunity to contemplate and decide what you’re looking for, where you want to look for it, and ultimately, where you want to be five or ten years down the road.

I’m not saying that you can plan out any relationship and follow each step of it like a schedule. The truth is, you never know what is going to happen. But if you know just a little bit of what you want out of a relationship, it will only be a benefit to you and the person you’re seeing. Nothing is worse than being with someone who doesn’t know what they want.

That being said, here are some things you ought to consider before giving your heart – your most precious possession – away.

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As I had my morning coffee, the “Dear Abby” column caught my eye. A reader wrote in with a dating dilemma and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that “Women use sex to get love, and men use love to get sex.” This is a great summation of the “Sex Trap.”

The Sex Trap is similar to the Love Trap, where singles interpret good sex as love. But those who fall into the Sex Trap go even farther, because for these singles, having sex carries immense meaning and consequences.

Singles fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of two ways:

A. they believe sex is a necessary test of compatibility, (if the sex is good then the relationship will be good as well)

B. more commonly, all consciousness goes out the window, and one or both formerly level-headed singles consider themselves a committed couple as soon as they have sex.

So, rather than looking at whether this other person might be a match on levels other than physical attraction — such as long-term requirements, needs, and wants — they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.

No doubt, it can be challenging to keep in touch with reality when all those hormones are running wild. Our body reacts to someone we are attracted to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone (increases sexual desire), which makes the opportunity to have sex with someone we are attracted to extremely hard to resist. Then, after orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce emotions), which makes us feel very close to and bonded with our sex partner.

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During my many years of counseling couples, I have frequently worked with the sexual problems that often occur in committed relationships. The most common complaint from men regarding sex is frequency, and the most common complaint from woman is lack of emotional intimacy.

There is a very good reason why these are the most common complaints – men and women are very different when it comes to sex!

The biological sexual drive, or lack of it, relates to how much testosterone is present. Men biologically have much more testosterone than women. Men’s biology equips them to be ready for sex most of the time, which is nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the species. Women, on the other hand, often do not experience a biological sexual drive unless they are in the middle of their menstrual cycle. This fact can create a big problem in relationships.

I’ve often heard men complain that:

“It’s not fair. My wife is in control of our sex life. If she wants it, then we have it. If she doesn’t, then I have no say about it. Why does it always have to be her way?”

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For some couples fighting is the fire that keeps their relationships alive. It lets them know the other cares. Many are determined to win a battle that never ends. Others try to right the wrongs they have experienced in the past with someone new. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is doomed to failure. When we bring baggage from a former relationship into the present, all new relationships simply become a continuation of the past.

What People Get Out of Fighting

It is important to understand why couples keep fighting. For some fighting is a fire that keeps their relationships alive. It lets them know the other cares, things aren’t really over, and sparks still fly between them. Fighting can keep these couples bonded, causing them to think about each other a great deal. Some love power struggles. They love winning and feeling power over the other. This makes them feel strong.

Fighting can easily become a habit, something individuals fall into automatically and instinctively. Needless to say, fighting prevents real communication. Rather than addressing issues, it causes a situation to remain stuck.

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Take the test - - are you ready for a relationship?

Most singles are seeking a committed relationship and date with that goal in mind. Many are not ready for commitment for a variety of reasons, but they don’t want to be alone, and so they date to find a partner anyway. When their dating strategy doesn’t align with their readiness status, these singles unconsciously set themselves up for failure, complicating their lives and those of their dating partners.

Just because you want something doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready for it. Many variables can interfere with your readiness for a committed relationship with someone you meet, such as being involved with someone else, going through a divorce, financial trouble, career demands, family obligations, physical health challenges, or mental/emotional health challenges such as addictions, depression, or anxiety disorders.

It would be a tragedy to meet your soul mate and not be ready for them. Getting involved in a relationship before you are ready can create a shaky foundation of unfinished business that eventually brings a relationship crashing down.

To assess your readiness for a committed relationship, rate yourself in each of the following ten areas. Try to be objective and honest with yourself. We recommend asking close friends and family members for their opinions as well.

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