People change.

Circumstances change.

Emotions change.

Over time, the natural ebb and flow of everyday life places incredible pressure on a relationship.

Almost unnoticed at first, you begin to think thoughts that had once been unthinkable. “I love him, but I’m not in love with him. Not anymore.” “I’m not attracted to her, not like I was in the beginning.” “Maybe if we separated for awhile …”

The skies can darken in a hurry.

But if you survive these darkest of times, you may find you emerge with a stronger, more trusting relationship than you ever imagined possible.

Here are a few tips that might help you toward that goal …

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These statements are rationalizations and fail to “get at” the underlying issues.

Key points:

1. It’s as if a marriage is an animal gone bad. A marriage does not have a life of it’s own. In reality, there is no such thing as a “marriage.” One is “married” as a result of making some promises and signing a paper at one point. After the paper is signed, two people continue communicating and acting toward one another in particular ways that they hope will help them get what they individually want. Just as there is no “marriage,” there is no such thing as a “relationship.” There are, however, ways of relating for which each person is responsible. Remember the comedian Flip Wilson (that dates me) and his “The devil made me do it” skit?

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What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?

So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her back.”

He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions… daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.

It doesn’t work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found “love.”

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The happier you are with yourself and your life, the more attractive you are to your partner. Another way to look at this is: if you were someone else, would you marry you? Start today to work on being the kind of person you would want to know, date, and marry. If you’re not that kind of person, how can you expect your spouse to stay attracted or stay passionate?

2. There’s you, there’s him/her, and then there’s we.

You don’t have to give up your identity or be known as your spouse’s partner.

It also doesn’t work when two people each do their own thing without regard to their partner’s wishes and feelings. Marriage is, and should be, more than cohabitation. As the marriage vows state, “two shall be as one”. That “one” is neither you nor him. The “one” is a third entity: the relationship, the marriage, the “we”.

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1. GOLF

Golfing is a male activity, get lessons and join them on the course. Men network on the golf course all the time, take it further and progress to flirting. Even if you are not good at sports, the men will most often be encouraging of your efforts.

2 GO TO A SPORTS BAR ON GAME NIGHT Why watch big sporting events at home when you can hang out a sports bar complete with big-screen TV, electronic sports games? This is a particularly good way to meet people if you are sporty yourself, impress the guys with your knowledge. Sport is a participation event and it is a lot more fun watching in a group than alone.

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Yes, infidelity is complex. You probably know that or perhaps feel the overwhelm and confusion.

Most I work with find tremendous relief, a sense of control, confidence and power once they pinpoint the situational signs of infidelity.

Understanding IS the beginning of healing.

Yes, there are general signs of infidelity that indicate that your husband or wife may be cheating. After you finish reading this page you will find a link for those general signs of infidelity.

But, to accelerate breaking free you need to dig into and nail down the signs and patterns of infidelity.

Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I’ve identified 7.

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It’s not hard, doesn’t cost any money, and takes only about one minute a day. You already have all the tools you need to make it happen, you just need to apply this for one minute every day.

What will guarantee that you find the Right One and get married the quickest way possible? A key ingredient is to believe in yourself, and I am going to show you why it works, and how to do it the right way.

The word “manifest” means to turn a thought into a thing. Everything you see around you — cars, houses, the table, a pen — were all once thoughts that someone turned into a real object. When you manifest something, you make it appear in the real world. Now as a single person, you have an idea that you want to get married, and what you want to do is manifest that idea into reality, to be standing under the marriage canopy.

A key underlying force that allows you to manifest an idea into reality is to believe you can do it. We can all relate to times where the situation looked bad, but through sheer will and determination people beat insurmountable odds.

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There is an old expression, which may sound trite, but I believe it is true, “People that play together, stay together.” A couple (by marriage or some other agreement) can increase their chance of remaining a positive statistic, by creating a habit of engaging in fun activities together. These can be planned or spontaneous. When you have fun together, it creates positive memories, which act as seeds for a long, playful relationship.

Carol operates a Bed & Breakfast and Country Vacation business. Through this, we have the opportunity to meet and learn about people from far and wide.

The Teepee Turn-around

Last summer John and Audrey arranged to stay with us, away from their Edmonton, Alberta home. They were both in their seventies, and had fond memories of time spent on farms when they were children. They thought it was time to revisit a farm and create some new fun memories.

They arrived in mid afternoon, well ahead of when we expected them. I was repairing a fence, some distance from the yard and they did not see me as I approached. I stopped to watch “the game.”

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Now there is an interesting concept. Unconditional love. What is it? Well, the dictionary describes it as, “without conditions or limitations; absolute”. The bible describes unconditional as the purest of all loves. It is the love that God has for us and it is that love that allowed our sins to be forgiven 2000 years ago on a wooden cross on Calvary.

Unconditional love is usually the kind of love parents share with their children. There are the obvious exceptions but overall, parents love their kids no matter what and without any conditions. You love them when they are good and even when they are bad. You would give them the world if you could and don’t expect anything in return. That is unconditional love.

But where is the unconditional love in marriage. Two people have pledged their life to one another and yet, there doesn’t seem to be any hint of unconditional love anywhere. There is a lot of he hurt me so I’ll hurt him back (or vice versa), jealousy, sex is a chore, I am too tired, he just doesn’t look like the man I married, she doesn’t let me do the things I would like to do, etc. Where is the love? Where is the communication of unconditional love???

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Using this valuable tip from our workbook Second Time Around: Reinventing Your Retirement Marriage makes the love light glow!

Motivating with Praise

In your marriage, one partner may exhibit behaviors the other partner doesn’t like. Undesirable situations can occur. Trying to change or clear away what you don’t want in your marriage is never as effective as focusing on what you do want.

Here are several reasons change works this way:

1. When you try to change an undesirable behavior, you are telling your partner her behavior is wrong. None of us accept being wrong as easily as being right.

2. Often criticism is backed by anger that puts your partner on the defensive. No one is at his creative best when forced to the defensive position.

3. When you seek more of what you want, you are in fact praising yourself or your partner for what is going on. Praise is one of the best motivators to encourage people. Remember to apply this to yourself; praise yourself often.

4. Negativity, either expressed or just thought about, causes you to lose your feeling of power. Check this out; experience how you feel when in your mind you criticize your partner. Now, in your thoughts, give praise and notice the difference in how you feel about yourself. You feel more powerful in the praise scenario.

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