Rewriting History

My wife and I have been married 40 years. I recently found out that 14 months after we married she began a three year affair. I was called to active duty in the Air Force at the time and sent out of state. Not knowing how long I would be gone, she moved back home.

The affair began immediately after I left. I had no idea. I knew her for four years before our marriage, and she came from a good Christian family. Although I made it back home every other weekend, the affair continued. After 18 months I was released from active duty, and we moved into an apartment.

Low and behold, soon after I returned I got a fantastic promotion that required me to be out of town Monday through Friday. The affair continued full steam ahead. At one point my wife asked me for a divorce, giving no specific reason. Unfortunately I talked her out of it.

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I am writing during a trying time in my life. I am a 35-year-old mother of three children and just recently lost my husband. My siblings and I have been dealing with an alcoholic mother since we were born. There were harsh and horrible memories, but I believe we have all forgiven her.

My father who did not drink, but worked two full-time jobs, divorced her when the youngest of us kids was a teenager. My mother has gone through ups and downs ever since. Two years ago she was arrested again for drunk driving. After realizing she’d be facing prison time, she attempted suicide many times.

The worst time my mother landed in intensive care for a week on a respirator, unconscious, while her children, sister and brother sat vigil by her bedside. We were told if paramedics arrived 10 minutes later she would have died. Each time she attempted to kill herself, she called one of us kids to let us know and say goodbye after taking all the pills.

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I am an 18-year-old woman madly infatuated with my boyfriend, 26. We met in an unorthodox way. I’m casually walking around 42 nd Street in Manhattan, when he spots me and decides to talk. We clicked instantly, like magic straight out of a fairy story. The rest is history.

We were incredibly shocked at each other’s answer to the question “How old are you?” Twenty-six would have been my last guess! Eventually our age gap began to bother him. He hated going somewhere an ID must be shown, always fearing the bouncer wouldn’t let me in and our night would be ruined.

I can’t say I blame him. I started to feel a little young around his friends, seeing how they all looked at me sideways. But my boyfriend is like…like…my personal Superman, and our fights never turn as ugly or rowdy as the average New York couple. He treats everyone with respect.

The only thing that bothers me is what bothers him, and what bothers him is my lack of years on the planet. Panic surrounds me when I try to find an excuse as to why our ages shouldn’t matter. How do I make my man happy if what causes him stress is something that’s part of me?

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Finis

I’m in my 40s, never been married, with long-term relationships over the years and casual dating in between. My current eight year relationship has evolved into a state of inertia. While I’ve done it all—dating services, personal ads, fix-ups, taking classes, hobbies, you name it—the One just hasn’t shown up.

Oh yeah, one or two made me feel the earth move and the angels sing, but in the end, it never worked out. My best chance occurred when I was 25. He was 45, and I’ve never met any man since who was as kind, funny, intelligent, or honest. But he felt our age was a problem. I would want children, and he already had two of his own.

Here I am, almost 20 years later, no marriage, no children. His old assertion makes me laugh when I look back on it, but I guess he had his reasons. I am physically attractive, educated, own a business, and love to learn. My current relationship has been nice, but he isn’t as mentally stimulating as I would prefer.

I think I know the answer, but would love to hear your version. It’s either not in my future, or I have to be open for the one to show up. I read the book “The Law of Attraction,” and maybe I need to be more positive and create a better environment for him to appear.

My current boyfriend knows the state of my feelings, and is okay keeping things as they are. He knows we are never getting married. I can only marry if I truly believe the man is the love of my life. There’s just no compromise for me in that area. Should I break up, or remain in a holding pattern?

Kari

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I am a faithful reader of your column and would like to hear your answer. I used to date a guy who claimed he liked me. He is a nice person, and I feel I can trust him. During one of our conversations defining what we had between us, he told me he couldn’t forget the previous girl he liked.

He is a reasonably successful man who has liked this woman for the past four years. He assured me he liked me more, but as this was not something I wanted, I decided we would remain just friends. I still care for him, but I have no romantic feelings left.

What I want to know is this. I can understand his reaction if they had been together once, but they hadn’t. It was a completely one-sided love from the beginning. In fact, this woman indicated she only wanted to be friends with him, and she has been in a happy relationship with another man for two years. He says he is happy that she is happy.

Why do you think he tortures himself so? It almost makes me think he enjoys being the martyr. To be fair, he told me he would like to move on and has been trying the past four years, but is not able to. Is there anything I can do to help?

Johanna

Johanna, many people nurture a fantasy because it confers a mental gain for them. It may not be a productive way to live, but they reap a psychic benefit from doing it.

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