Becky’s husband is our financial planner. The week after I broke my ankle he called my husband to do a financial review. I know he wanted to move our money around since this is how he earns commissions. We hadn’t heard from them since Christmas, and the sole reason he called was business.

Even though my husband told him it was a bad time because I had broken my ankle, I did not get a phone call, flowers, or a card from them. I thought perhaps they were having some kind of financial troubles and put it down to that.

Last weekend I flew to another city for a wedding and stayed with my sister-in-law. I was still in a cast and using a cane. Low and behold, on Sunday my sister-in-law tells me she is having guests over but won’t tell me who. My mouth fell open when a car pulled up and it was Becky and her husband.

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A year ago he moved in but our problem only surfaced recently. We had just returned from a romantic Caribbean vacation when he began behaving secretly. When I tried to open up the lines of communication, he grew defensive and nervous. Up to that point we had shared everything.

I justified breaking into his e-mail account to protect myself. To make a long story short, I found e-mails to four different women. Girl A is a woman he used to date, Girl B is a woman he currently works with, and Girl C is the mother of one of his students! Girl D is a girl from Craigslist.

When I confronted him, he swore nothing happened with any of these women. He admitted he has a problem with boundaries and knowing when flirting has gone too far. At that point I believed him. We had a long talk and decided a fresh start was in order. We got dressed up and went out to dinner to affirm our new start. It was behind us. Or was it?

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I have been in a relationship for two years. I am 38, he is 49. I have older children and am also a grandmother three times over. I would love for us to have our own family, but he is totally against it. He will not explain why.

Neither of us has to work so we have plenty of time to spend raising a child. I have to say it really hurts and is very confusing. I don’t understand how a man can have a child with someone they can’t stand and not have a child with someone they are in love with.

I like to do what I can to make him happy, so why is the feeling not mutual? We have a great relationship, and I think adding another child to the family would make it even stronger. Is that so wrong?

Keely

Keely, Shakespeare said, “One man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.” A 49-year-old man may think fatherhood belongs to an earlier age of his life, and that is especially true when the woman he is with is a grandmother three times over.

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I have a middle-aged American friend, divorced for many years, who ended a long relationship a few months ago. Recently he became fascinated with the culture and women of a country where marriages are arranged. He found himself a couple of pen pals and is planning to go over soon and interview potential brides.

He’s not one of those creepy, bitter, chauvinistic, mail-order bride seekers. He genuinely believes in gender equality. He likes the idea of a relationship based on shared values with a full commitment to making it work. He thinks American women are too quick to write him off based on superficial checklists.

While I think his intentions are good, I’m worried he’s plunging into this too fast. His knowledge of the culture is limited, and the young women he is corresponding with have never been outside their country. There’d be a lot of adjustment on both sides, and he doesn’t know these women at all.

I have nothing against marrying outside of one’s culture, but you are ultimately marrying a person, and I don’t believe you should objectify based on a stereotype. Also, he’s only a few months out of a long-term relationship and still figuring out what he wants.

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I am a new freshman in college. I left for college a week and a half ago, and my girlfriend hasn’t yet left for her college. Leaving her was the most painful experience of my life. We always planned on trying other people, but we both wanted to stay together after college.

I found out from her friend that two days after I left she went on a date with another guy and kissed him goodbye. Two days later, she made out with a different guy. I was crushed. I confronted her over the phone, and she sobbed and apologized.

She told me the guys didn’t mean anything to her, and she only loves me. She said she did it in order to see what other guys are like because we were each other’s first lover. She is not a slutty person at all, and she wasn’t drinking when she did this.

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I am so confused as to what to believe. I came across your website yesterday, and it is wonderful to read something that finally makes sense to me. I have remained in an unhappy marriage for years. I am afraid to end the marriage because I don’t want to damage my children for the rest of their lives.

I constantly remind myself that some children who grow up in happily married homes don’t necessarily turn out to be outstanding adults. I also remind myself that it is more detrimental to raise children in a dysfunctional home than a divorced home.

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He and his first wife hate each other. He gets along with his two daughters and now, after a period of estrangement, with his older son. Recently he has not had contact with his younger son. I am concerned. This young man is a college grad but more of a momma’s boy and in the past into drugs.

My boyfriend loves all his children and misses them terribly when they’re not in his life. I have known him as a friend for 10 years, dated him for six, but the children have not met me.

When he dated and lived with another woman, she verbally mistreated the children. She never incorporated his family photos in their house, and all pictures were of her family only. I am sure the children noticed this the few times they were invited over.

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When she left us, she went into shelters or lived on the streets. Last year in October it took its toll. She hit bottom. I am a self-employed engineer and managed to work and keep everything going at home. My wife got dry and spent Christmas with us and got herself a job. This week after eight months for no reason she started to binge again.

I tried to stop the cycle. I talked and talked to her. It didn’t do any good. She missed her 16-year-old daughter’s school show in the West End, and let our 8-year-old down again. These children need their mother. I need her.

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About a year ago, I started to suspect my husband was having at least an emotional affair. Something was changing the familiar pattern of our relationship. I also found notes from a woman on his Facebook page and odd numbers on the phone bill.

At first I attributed the change in our level of intimacy to a combination of his age and a medication he was taking for stress. However, when I looked up the medication, there was no indication the drug affected the sex drive. When I asked my husband if he was interested in having an affair, I got a predictable answer.

Then last weekend we were at a pub. He drank too much and told me he would call his younger “friend” to keep him company unless I agreed to stay with him and drink. I was not drinking. I got up and went home, and he followed.

When I asked him about it the next day, he could not give me an explanation. I am an investigator by profession, and part of me wants to follow up. I will be devastated if it turns out he is having an affair–emotional or physical. We have two teenage children. Should I start to dig, or should I live with a suspicious mind?

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My fiancée has asked me to find a new friend for my ex-wife. For reasons I cannot fathom, my ex-wife has made a confidante of my fiancée. My ex-wife is a good woman, but she can become clingy and negative. My fiancée, unfortunately for herself, is friendly and polite–very polite.

Since my ex-wife has custody of my children, it means that said ex-wife holds power over me, and she has tried wielding this power before. My fiancée is becoming burdened with the neediness of the ex, especially when my ex unloads her own rather idiosyncratic views of me, which is sometimes done on a daily basis.

I have been negotiating a revision of custody, parenting time, and child support, all in my favor, and my ex-wife was amenable. But now, as things come down to the wire, she is getting cold feet. Setting her off might not only end up with no gains but actually cause losing ground.

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