Finis

I’m in my 40s, never been married, with long-term relationships over the years and casual dating in between. My current eight year relationship has evolved into a state of inertia. While I’ve done it all—dating services, personal ads, fix-ups, taking classes, hobbies, you name it—the One just hasn’t shown up.

Oh yeah, one or two made me feel the earth move and the angels sing, but in the end, it never worked out. My best chance occurred when I was 25. He was 45, and I’ve never met any man since who was as kind, funny, intelligent, or honest. But he felt our age was a problem. I would want children, and he already had two of his own.

Here I am, almost 20 years later, no marriage, no children. His old assertion makes me laugh when I look back on it, but I guess he had his reasons. I am physically attractive, educated, own a business, and love to learn. My current relationship has been nice, but he isn’t as mentally stimulating as I would prefer.

I think I know the answer, but would love to hear your version. It’s either not in my future, or I have to be open for the one to show up. I read the book “The Law of Attraction,” and maybe I need to be more positive and create a better environment for him to appear.

My current boyfriend knows the state of my feelings, and is okay keeping things as they are. He knows we are never getting married. I can only marry if I truly believe the man is the love of my life. There’s just no compromise for me in that area. Should I break up, or remain in a holding pattern?

Kari

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I am a faithful reader of your column and would like to hear your answer. I used to date a guy who claimed he liked me. He is a nice person, and I feel I can trust him. During one of our conversations defining what we had between us, he told me he couldn’t forget the previous girl he liked.

He is a reasonably successful man who has liked this woman for the past four years. He assured me he liked me more, but as this was not something I wanted, I decided we would remain just friends. I still care for him, but I have no romantic feelings left.

What I want to know is this. I can understand his reaction if they had been together once, but they hadn’t. It was a completely one-sided love from the beginning. In fact, this woman indicated she only wanted to be friends with him, and she has been in a happy relationship with another man for two years. He says he is happy that she is happy.

Why do you think he tortures himself so? It almost makes me think he enjoys being the martyr. To be fair, he told me he would like to move on and has been trying the past four years, but is not able to. Is there anything I can do to help?

Johanna

Johanna, many people nurture a fantasy because it confers a mental gain for them. It may not be a productive way to live, but they reap a psychic benefit from doing it.

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I know this is all my fault. I know I had the right to say no, but I didn’t because everyone deserves a chance. The thing that hurts most is he knew the complications he was bringing into my life.

My parents believe in arranged marriage, and they disapproved of this man. But I felt terrible thinking he knew I was intentionally not returning his calls. He called five or six times every night. Gradually I gave in.

During one of our conversations he told me what I now doubt really happened. His story was he loved a girl since high school, but she cheated on him. It didn’t end there. He kept stressing the disappointments that came his way, his hard childhood, and the betrayal that always followed him.

I treated him with care, and he stressed I could trust him no matter what. As things progressed he started nagging me to sleep with him, and that was my biggest mistake. I became emotionally sealed to him, and whenever he made the suggestion to meet for sex, I no longer fought it.

Everything was good until I asked him what he would do if his parents decided to arrange his marriage. I was shocked when he told me that he wouldn’t fight it. Prior to this he told me he goes by his own rule. He even asked me to continue being with him until his parents arranged his marriage.

One day I saw his car at the hotel we went to. I peeked through the keyhole and saw him and a girl naked. I can’t get that image out of my mind. When I confronted him, he treated me worse than a dog.

I called his mother. His mother’s reaction still has me baffled. She was totally cold, like she just didn’t give a damn what happened to me, or what he might do to another girl. I want him to pay, but I have resolved to leave him and his mother in the hands of God.

Throughout high school I fought peer pressure only for this to happen. I have decided not to tell my parents, and I have reached out to a few friends. I am undecided as to whether I should fulfill the promise I made about helping out with his study materials. I talked to a religious friend, and his opinion is promises should be fulfilled.

I always wanted to live life without regrets, but thanks to my stupidity, I can no longer do that.

Eva

Eva, this man used two stratagems against you. He portrayed himself as a victim to evoke pity, and he insinuated himself into your life. He is a predator who stalked you, knowing all along what he wanted. Don’t give him the study materials. That promise was elicited through lies, and despicable behavior should never be rewarded.

Aristotle viewed anger as a legitimate reaction to injustice. He felt anger protects us from making excuses for wrongdoing. You have every reason to be angry with this man, but don’t turn that anger inward. You were tricked. That happens to people at different stages of life, and they must be able to forgive themselves and move on.

We cannot go through life attributing the best of intentions to others, and we cannot go through life attributing the worst of intentions to others. We must respond to others in a way appropriate to who they are. When we encounter predators, the wisest course is eliminating all contact.

The wise thing now is to continue with your plans as they were before you encountered this man. You are a young woman with your life in front of you. It is easy, when we are young, to think some event has ruined our life. But life has many ups and downs, and it is in mastering the ups and downs that we master life.

Wayne & Tamara

I need some answers to my life. I lost my mother to cancer in the early ‘90s and met my wife the same year. Through the years there have been many ups and downs, good times and bad times. There’s been cheating on each other, more on my wife’s side, and we are both victims of sexual abuse.

For a long time I’ve wanted to become a sober person, and I’ve been sober now three months. I don’t know if we’re going through a separation or not. I know in my heart I don’t want to, but my wife continues to abuse alcohol. I pray she gets some help.

I feel I’m in a pause, like I don’t know which way to turn, but I am receiving counseling. Over the years, when my wife hurt me, she wouldn’t say I’m sorry. It has always been like this, and I know a lot of times I feel anger. But there’s a place in my heart that’s waiting for her. I miss her a lot and my children also.

I guess what I’m asking for is some direction, and if there is a message you can send my wife, hoping she will read it.

Karl

Karl, the way to start finding answers is by asking, What course of action will lead to success? The obvious answer is that drinking has no chance of leading to success. It masks problems, and it doesn’t solve anything. So that’s something not to do.

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I am a 19-year-old college freshman who has never been married. I am actually dating my first boyfriend, but that is by choice, because I never wanted to be a part of the high school drama scene. I wanted a mature relationship that transcended all that.

However, I seem to have gotten myself far too deeply into something I am not ready for. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost three months. He’s 21, and we get along wonderfully. I am not his first girlfriend, but the first girlfriend he ”really wanted.”

Just a few days into our relationship, he told me he loved me, and kept saying it, though I never responded in kind. After four weeks, I did finally tell him I loved him. I thought I meant this. However, since then, he’s come to mention quite often plans for the future. Plans such as marriage after we both finish college, children, names for those children, and more.

I am not ready for this. I cannot definitely say I want to spend the rest of my life with him, though he is completely enamored with me. I’m also worried, because I have not known how to respond, and in saying nothing, I believe he has read my assent.

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