Ladies Man

Filed under: Direct Answers |

The man in question, 29, grew up in the hoods of New York: abusive father, clingy mother, former athlete, father of a 4-year-old, currently a retail manager.

I’ve known him seven years, and while we didn’t date, we were good friends. After a number of years apart, we reconnected six months ago. At first, we were on opposite coasts. I was thinking about relocating, and after a month of discussion and one weekend visit, I moved in with him.

He told me he loved me and told his family and friends I was going to be his wife. Up until nine days ago we were never apart. We had normal couple disagreements, but we talked it over and everything was okay. Or so I thought.

Nine days ago I found multiple text messages to three other women that were extremely sexual in nature. One woman is an ex of his, who he claims cheated on him, but he remained friends with her anyway. Another woman is a former schoolteacher of his 4-year-old, married with children of her own. He says they had a “fling.”

With all three women he made a conscious decision not to tell them about me or not tell them we were serious. The first woman made sexual advances toward him including sending naked pictures of herself. He reminisced with the second woman about a prior encounter. A month ago he asked when they would see each other again.

The third woman is an older female who confessed her undying love and said she wanted to rip his clothes off. That was the only message he responded to negatively.

When I confronted him, he apologized and is still apologizing for the text messages, vehemently denying he cheated. His excuse was, because of past history with these women, he got caught up in inappropriate texting.

Aside from his family issues, all three women have issues of their own. Woman one is a hood rat who dropped out of school when she got pregnant; woman two cheated with him while married to another man; and woman three has drug-addicted kids living under her roof.

I am the complete opposite of all three women: no children, no past relationship issues, good job, car. And I dress nice. I can be brash and brutally honest when I need to be, and this guy has been on the receiving end of it. I broke our engagement.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love him, but I am angry. The evidence against him is too overwhelming. I don’t consider us a couple, mainly because he can’t give me a reason why he did this, and why he went to such lengths to conceal it from me.

He is very vocal about me and mutual friends say before I moved here he would not stop talking about me. But I picked up my whole life for him, and he did this. We have couples counseling tomorrow, and I was hoping to get some insight beforehand.


Brinique, do you need a couples counselor or do you need a lawyer?

A couples counselor might say, “Come, let us reason together.” Think about his family background. Consider his love for you. Can’t you find common ground? Troublesome issues like these can almost always be worked out.

But a lawyer would be obligated to act in your best interests. A lawyer would not make excuses for him. The evidence doesn’t justify that. A lawyer would advise you to judge him on the basis of his past performance and expected future behavior.

If we were lawyers, we would advise you to break all ties and free yourself. In your case, psychological advice might be mostly wishful thinking and legal advice a dose of reality.

Your head and your heart are not in disagreement. You fear for your future. He’s given you ample reason.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne and Tamara

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