My mother-in-law is an alcoholic. She drove me, my husband and our baby of five weeks in the car while drunk, unbeknownst to us. That baby is now eight, and we’re still dealing with her drinking issues.

We live five hours away so we only see her two or three times a year. Last Christmas we went to visit her, as we do every year. My husband’s sister and her children were staying with my mother-in-law. One of the children was vomiting everywhere, so we decided to limit our time there.

On our last night we announced we were leaving first thing in the morning so we would be saying our goodbyes. My mother-in-law replied, “Well, you have to come here tomorrow morning because I didn’t give you your presents yet.”

When my husband asked if she could get them now, she blurted out she couldn’t get them because she hadn’t wrapped them, and she hadn’t wrapped them because she was still suffering from a week-long stomach flu and had lost six pounds.

I was shocked. And very, very angry. She put her grandchildren in a germ-infested house, and our three kids ultimately spent their Christmas vacation sick with stomach flu. It was the worst illness my children have had, and I felt bad I could not protect them.

We left abruptly and did not return. That started a flurry of e-mails berating my husband as thoughtless and rude. My mother-in-law told my sister-in-law she tried to stop drinking and that was why she was so sick. That was welcome news to my sister-in-law.

But in an e-mail to us my mother-in-law denied being sick, denied saying she was sick, and played the innocent victim abandoned at Christmas.

Upon prodding by my husband’s sister, she admitted she was sick and was not trying to quit drinking. She said she was afraid we would cancel our visit if she had been honest. But a day later she sent us an e-mail denying what she admitted to her daughter.

Many months have gone by with very little contact. Then this past weekend, my mother-in-law texted my husband and informed him she will be visiting us in three weeks. She did not ask, she invited herself.

I am sick of this. I do not want this woman around my children. After the Christmas incident my husband and I felt the same way about his mother and her behavior, but now it seems time has let him forget all that happened.

My sister-in-law stressed to my husband how serious the drinking has become, saying she drives drunk to and from work, an hour each way. My mother-in-law also threatened my sister-in-law to the point she had to call a friend for help. Is it wrong to disallow her to see our children until she gets help?

Anita

Anita, the essence of alcoholism is the flight from reality, and it’s a long way back to reality from where your mother-in-law is.

The core desire of the alcoholic is escape, avoidance and oblivion. But we live in a real world with real people, and someone who is trying to escape reality inevitably harms others, especially when those others are children.

Your husband and his sister are trapped by the parental bond. That’s what she uses against them. But give into her and you reinforce her drinking.

If she is driving drunk to and from work, she is at a level of intoxication every minute she is alive. Letting her into your home aids her denial. The more an alcoholic has the façade of normality, the more they can deny their alcoholism.

Perhaps the term alcoholic should be reserved for those who have completed lengthy treatment and show personality changes associated with being alcohol-free. By that standard, we would not call your mother-in-law an alcoholic; we would call her a drunkard. Alcoholic is a term she must earn.

Wayne & Tamara