Denouement / Dollar Value

Denouement

I’ve been in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend for two years. We own a home together and life is great–except since I met him he’s gained 20 pounds. He was never svelte to begin with, and he’s not tall so every pound shows.

I knew his weight fluctuated when I met him. Early in our relationship he showed me photos of himself 20 pounds heavier than he is now. At that time I said I would not let him get there again. I encouraged him to lose weight, gently and not so gently, but nothing worked.

He starts a diet then stops. He joined my gym but only went three times in four months. I even used the health angle and sent him to a doctor. The doctor didn’t take vital signs, then told him he looked fine and said, “Come back in two years.” My plan backfired!

My boyfriend says the more I mention it, the less likely he is to act. So I try to suffer in silence, which is not working very well for either of us! What, if anything, can I do, or am I doomed to accept this?

Jackie

Jackie, when we receive a letter from a person who wants to change someone else, we always go to the obvious. If we could tell you how to change them, we could tell them how to change you. But somehow that logic seems to escape the letter writer.

In O. Henry’s famous story, “The Gift of The Magi,” a young woman sells her luxurious auburn hair to buy her husband a platinum fob for his watch. In an equally selfless act, her husband sells his watch to buy his wife a set of tortoiseshell combs for her hair.

A modern audience may find the story contrived, but it contains a truth. In love we accept the other person as they are. In love we seek to give the other what they want.

The story you told us is different. Your story is, I push and he resists. In our experience the person who continues a relationship, even though they are unsatisfied, is the same person who will later initiate a divorce because they failed to get what they wanted.

O. Henry might tell you that your tale needs editing before it can be published as a love story. In the revised version, you accept him as he is and out of love he spontaneously gives you what you want.

Wayne & Tamara

Dollar Value

I am a 25-year-old woman, intelligent, confident, funny and attractive. I have a great job and a wonderful group of friends. For many years I was in a relationship that left me unfulfilled. When we got engaged neither of our hearts were in it.

Two years after our breakup I am with someone new. I told my friends he’s the love of my life. When we are together, we can literally spend an entire day just looking into each other’s eyes.

Here’s the problem. He has a job that pays the minimum wage. The other day while out walking, I saw the most beautiful home and thought I might never be able to move out of an apartment if I stay in this relationship. I might be supporting a whole family on my salary. I broke down and told him how I feel.

He revealed while he doesn’t want to keep his job forever, he rarely thinks about the future and has little motivation to do something big. Now any time he does something that upsets me, I have this ugly thought. “Why am I giving up my future for this guy?”

Should I work on changing my thinking? Help him change? Or change my relationship?

Becca

Becca, again and again we receive letters from people who are not in love with the person they are with. It’s simply that.

Wayne & Tamara