Offal / Second Best

Offal

My husband and I have been together three years. In those years we have been trying to have a child without success. Every time something major happens in our relationship, like fighting to the verge of a breakup, the same woman pops into the picture.

She is a coworker from his last job, and apparently at one time she kissed him, he felt a spark, then guilt. I only found out about her because his ex-wife mentioned her, and then he told me everything. Only thing is, I don’t think he told it all.

After our most recent failure to have a child, she popped up again. I know he’s doing something with her, but because I found out about her again through spying, I don’t know how to confront him.

I have this hurtful thought that because I haven’t been able to give him a child, he’s doing this to hurt me. What should I do?

Jessica

Jessica, in parts of Alaska where huge Kodiak bears are common, many hunters believe in the “dinner bell theory.” This theory predicts when a hunter fires a gun, bears will come running. Why? Because bears have learned gunfire means a freshly killed deer.

The bears know, at a minimum, the hunter will leave entrails and other eatable parts behind. They also know that they, as eight-foot carnivores, can have a “discussion” with the hunter over who the kill belongs to.

Every time you and your husband have problems, this woman shows up. Is she psychic? Has she bugged your phone? No. Your husband is letting her know there may be an opening for her. He’s firing the gunshots.

In a court of law spouses can’t be forced to reveal marital secrets, but your husband is freely doling out information to another woman. He’s not telling her about his problems and your problems. He is telling her you are the source of the problem, so she can think, “I’m better than that.”

He complains to her, and she is encouraged to think he will leave you. He says he is sorry, and you are encouraged to think all is well. But the bottom line is you have an untrustworthy male sharing your bed and every reason to believe his attachment to her will survive yet another marriage.

Hunters in Alaska have conditioned bears to know when food is available. That’s like what your husband is doing with you and the other woman. Confront him once and for all. You deserve better than leftovers.

Wayne & Tamara

Second Best

I’ve been with my boyfriend almost four years. When we met I was 21 and he was 20, so there’s definitely been some growing and maturing from both of us. I quickly learned I can be more emotionally needy than I ever thought, and he’s realized he’s incredibly indecisive and self-centered.

With that said, it’s a healthy relationship at least from my perspective. Over the past two years we’ve been dealing with the I’m-not-sure factor about the future, from both of us. These days it’s mostly him.

We are currently in a long-distance relationship. When I’m visiting him or he’s visiting me, he’s completely content and sure of his love. But we both admit we battle the idea of “what if there’s something better out there.”

Personally, I don’t need to explore to be happy with my life or choice of him, because the grass is always going to seem greener no matter who you are with. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is utterly confused and honestly not sure about us.

Susan

Susan, you two are like hunters lost in the woods. You found each other, but you both feel, as the U2 song says, “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”

The saying about grass being greener applies only to people in like. People in love don’t look to other grass.

Wayne & Tamara