Eye On The Ball

I’m 25 and I’ve been with my boyfriend seven years. We were long distance for most of it, until two years ago when I moved home after attending school abroad. Let’s just say when I returned things were not what I was expecting.

What was I expecting, you ask? Well, I was expecting him to be affectionate and want to spend time with me. What I got were cruel jokes about my weight gain, little to no romance and him preferring to go out with friends.

Things we used to talk about early in the relationship—marriage, love, children—I would ask about these things again and his response would be to make fun or say “what’s love got to do with it.”

Then a few months ago I met someone. I thought he was funny, nice to talk to and we texted all day. I thought of him as a friend, so I complained to him about my boyfriend and asked for advice. I also developed feelings for him, which I told him about, and things spiraled from there.

We flirted and he made the first move. I said we needed to stop before it went too far, but when I compared my boyfriend to him, I decided it was time to break up.

My boyfriend was hurt and cursed me because he couldn’t understand my reasons—the lack of affection and cruel jokes. He said he’d make an effort to change. He asked for another chance, and I gave in. Once he asked if there was someone else, and I said no. I was angry. Why was he making an effort now and not before?

I didn’t stop talking to this other guy though. Things got heated between us and almost came to sex a few times. Finally, I told my boyfriend there was someone else, and after about a month he started questioning me about the other guy.

I hate lying and I’m a bad liar and my boyfriend caught me in lies. Now he says he can’t trust me. He wants to marry in two years, when he is 30, but he is not sure about me.

When I look back, I become regretful. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough to get through to him initially. I’ve since stopped all communication with the other guy, removed him from my social networking sites, everything. Now I wonder if my boyfriend and I will get through this.

I tell myself we just need time. I’ve witnessed relationships that are still ongoing where one partner full-on cheated. There was even one couple where the girlfriend cheated five times the boyfriend knows about, and they just got married.

Scarlett

Scarlett, the shell game takes three walnut shells and a pea. It looks like gambling but in reality it’s a con, because the person moving the shells palms the pea and replaces it only after a wrong guess.

Your boyfriend belittled you, so you turned to another. Now he wants to switch the focus from how he treated you to how you reacted to the treatment.

Again he controls the relationship, and again he is being nasty. The only difference this time is the flavor of his nastiness.

Two years ago you wouldn’t do the hard thing and break up with him, though you had ample cause. Now you’ve given him a bludgeon to pummel you with. Likely he will do one of two things: keep you the beggar in the relationship, or revenge cheat and dump you.

What led you to another man is still there. Why do you look at relationships on life support—cheating relationships—as examples? Why don’t you look to relationships with genuine love?

There’s only one constant in a shell game—bad behavior by the person running the game. Once you understand this con, you can dump him.

Wayne & Tamara