In The Lurch

I am five months removed from my ex-girlfriend of 3 1/2 years moving out. She began pressing for the final step and I resisted. I told her she was who I wanted, but I needed to wrap my arms around the finality and “leap of faith” of marriage.

Things got awkward so we agreed she would move across the street and we would work on this. She became distant and unavailable, often blowing off my calls or texts. When I did get her, all she did was cry about us. The majority of her things were still at my place and she made no attempt to get them.

Two months went by as I continued to work on me. She would tell me she liked what she saw, yet still kept me at bay and said she was confused. I proposed in October and she said she wanted to be my wife but needed time to “figure things out.”

Two weeks went by and I heard nothing. Upon getting a hold of her she felt she didn’t need to respond because I knew she needed time. I told her you can’t say those things and then run and hide.

Two more weeks went by and I learned she had been on a date. I called her on it. She said she felt she needed to do this even though I had specifically asked her if she was seeing someone, and she said no.

As it turns out she had seen him more than once and took him home for Christmas. Basically 3 1/2 years of a good relationship went away without a word. She said great things to me yet acted different on the side and jumped into another relationship.

I can’t imagine she looks in the mirror and is happy with who she sees. I hear rebound relationships never work, and a big part of me wants this to hold true so I can at least have the chance to have a say in this.

I have not spoken with her for seven weeks and do not plan on it. As hurt as I am I still love her and wonder when/if she will “hit the wall” and realize she made a great mistake. I don’t know if I will be there when it happens, but I can’t believe she never had the ability to stand in front of me and tell me.

Fritz

Fritz, your letter illustrates a classic pattern. A couple parts. For one of the two, the separation ends the relationship; for the other, it feels like they were left holding the bag.

“Holding the bag” is not an empty expression. It refers to giving someone a distraction or task to do, while the other party makes a getaway. The bag held, of course, is empty.

You’re angry she didn’t end the relationship face-to-face, but in her mind you ended it when you said, “I need to wrap my arms around the finality of marriage.” That told her you couldn’t come to terms with marrying her.

The weeks in between were her trying to wrap her head around “He wants me on a perpetual lease, nothing more.”

After 3 1/2 years you were still undecided, and that doesn’t sound like love. A man in love wants to close the deal. What does working on yourself mean? Is it like girding your loins before going into battle? Or steeling yourself against something you don’t want to do?

When you question her rebound relationship, you are trying to give yourself heart. It’s the defensive reaction illustrated by Aesop’s story of the fox and the grapes.

We know you are in pain, and we know our answer is hard to accept, but don’t feel bad. She wasn’t a woman who elicited marrying feelings in you. Wait for the woman who does.

Wayne & Tamara