Outsourcing

I have a middle-aged American friend, divorced for many years, who ended a long relationship a few months ago. Recently he became fascinated with the culture and women of a country where marriages are arranged. He found himself a couple of pen pals and is planning to go over soon and interview potential brides.

He’s not one of those creepy, bitter, chauvinistic, mail-order bride seekers. He genuinely believes in gender equality. He likes the idea of a relationship based on shared values with a full commitment to making it work. He thinks American women are too quick to write him off based on superficial checklists.

While I think his intentions are good, I’m worried he’s plunging into this too fast. His knowledge of the culture is limited, and the young women he is corresponding with have never been outside their country. There’d be a lot of adjustment on both sides, and he doesn’t know these women at all.

I have nothing against marrying outside of one’s culture, but you are ultimately marrying a person, and I don’t believe you should objectify based on a stereotype. Also, he’s only a few months out of a long-term relationship and still figuring out what he wants.

Is he on the right track, or am I just being sensitive because I’m an American woman?

Marianna

Marianna, do you think a young woman dreams about marrying an older man who doesn’t share her culture, language, heritage?

Or do you think your friend is ascribing virtue to women who, by virtue of their culture, are either prevented from making a free choice or must make a choice based on need?

The women in Hugh Hefner’s mansion aren’t there because they love Hugh Hefner. It sounds like your friend is doing exactly what he claims women in America do. He has a checklist, and he wants a woman of an age and beauty he could never get.

He’s outsourcing marriage. He wants to get more for his dollar than he could in the States. You are giving credit to what he says, while trying to ignore the fact it doesn’t make sense.

Wayne & Tamara

An Actor’s Life

My husband and I are married for 10 months now, and ours was an arranged marriage. Life in these months has totally changed. I feel I have lost myself and am living another’s life.

I was born and brought up in Bombay, whereas my husband was working in the U.S. My parents fixed the alliance and got us married. Even then I knew somehow that our frequencies did not match, but I thought since he seemed to be a nice guy things might work out.

He is reserved, and I am totally the opposite. I am trying my best to make this work, but honestly speaking I don’t see any effort from him. Not a single day after marriage has he ever made me feel special or loved.

Life was simple and great before with my family and loved ones. Now I’m so dependent and unhappy. I cannot live in a marriage like this.

Deepa

Deepa, those who say you can marry anyone and make it work are wrong. Some things require an unnamable extra, a je ne sais quoi which makes them more than the sum of their parts. Love is like that.

We feel for you both. He is not the one you dreamed about, the one your heart hoped for. Neither of you is so shallow you can fake it. If you can bear the social ramifications, the answer is divorce.

You want to go back to your family, but they did this to you. Throw yourself on their mercy and say, “If you ever loved me, why would you want me to be so unhappy? Some others can be false to their own heart and forego love for a lifetime, but I cannot.”

Wayne & Tamara