Blindside

My ex-husband left me a week before Thanksgiving. We had built a brand-new home, moved our things in, and a month later he left me and our two young sons. The day before we had measured our backyard for a patio, made love, and ate dinner together. I fell asleep with him telling me how much he loved me.

The next day he never came home. He filed for divorce and four months later it was done. He enthusiastically gave me full physical and legal custody of our children. Shock does not begin to cover what I felt. We had things planned like a housewarming and relatives coming for the holidays.

He told me he plotted this out. He needed his freedom because “life is too short” and he wants to be a golf pro and can’t do that with a family. He says his final gift to me was a brand-new house, though I am the only one paying the mortgage and bills.

Recently, he admitted he had been having an affair with a coworker for about a year. He told me that she understands him and can golf with him. I never could because I was always caring for children and working. She is nine years older than me and in the military, as is he.

He only wants to see the children on Sundays for five hours, with no overnights. Even then he leaves them with her at her apartment while he works. She gives them gifts, and they call her Aunt. I’ve voiced my concern over his poor choice not to spend time with his sons. I question if this is a serious relationship. What should I do?

Juliana

Juliana, on the television show “Survivor,” unwary contestants are often blindsided and voted out. There is nothing wrong with this. It is part of the game. But in the game of life a person who blindsides another is a scoundrel.

You are still in a daze. You haven’t gotten mad yet. You are not hearing what your ex-husband is telling you. He planned this out to gain an advantage at your expense. He didn’t want you to be able to defend yourself.

What he did was cruel. What can he teach your sons except how to put a working mother in a financial bind. He threw away his parental rights. There is no point in trying to shove them down his throat.

If your ex-husband received a favorable settlement because you thought you could “win” him back, revisit that with an attorney. You have your whole life ahead of you. There is no reason you cannot find happiness. A good book like Sandra Kahn’s “Leaving Him Behind” can help you catch up with what happened.

Wayne & Tamara

Young Spaniards

I was hoping you could make my decision for me. I hate living in Spain and hate everything about it! The problem lies with my girlfriend of 11 years and our two sons, seven years and 10 months. My girlfriend is Spanish and does not want to move back to Great Britain.

I have been in Spain for five years off and on, and my girlfriend says, if I go, not to return. Would I be wrong to move back to Britain and leave them behind? Or should I stay and feel more depressed? Whatever way I turn, I am the loser.

Edward

Edward, you aren’t the loser. The children are. The children didn’t cause you to be in Spain, and they didn’t cause you to go back and forth. You weren’t too miserable to create a new life only a short time ago.

All we can do is clarify what you are saying. Even in a short letter you told us who you are. “It is all about me.” It appears the children are damned if you stay, and damned if you leave.

Wayne & Tamara