Reasonable Doubt

I have been married a dozen years and have four children. During our engagement my husband and I got into an argument and broke up. He tells me I told him I cheated on him with another guy in college and was considering ending our relationship for the other man.

I’m thinking this is what I told him. Asked by a friend if I would consider dating this guy I was attracted to, I answered, “Yes, if I were not dating my fiancé.” I do not remember saying I would have ended our relationship, nor do I remember saying I cheated.

The truth is I didn’t even know the other man. I answered a question my friend posed. I was 21, insecure, and flattered another man thought I was attractive. Regardless, I did not pursue him and until recently only knew his first name.

This has became a huge barrier in our marriage. We fight about it often, and it turns into ugly name-calling. Recently my husband said he felt so strongly about this because I told him myself. I have a hard time believing that, but he says, why would we break up over nothing?

So I asked my friend to contact this man thinking my husband would believe him. My husband found out and got even madder thinking I am trying to rekindle something which never existed.

How do I handle this? When I tell my husband I didn’t say those things, he says I am calling him a liar. Then I get flustered. He is an attorney, and when he asks leading questions, I feel like a bad girl being punished by her daddy.

Paula

Paula, if we argued your side, we would say whatever happened didn’t stop your husband from marrying you and having four children. He accepted the situation and a valid contract was consummated.

In addition, we might say your husband won’t let this go because it gives him a wonderful club to win every argument. He knows when to bring the club out of the closet, the exact grip on the handle, and the exact angle to swing it.

In good conscience, however, we cannot act as your defense attorneys. We don’t know for sure what happened, but this is what we suspect. The two of you fought and you punched him below the belt. He didn’t mishear what you said; nor did you cheat.

People often don’t remember a lie told in anger. We suspect you told a lie, your husband believed the lie, and it didn’t happen. Now a lie has reshaped itself in your mind as the truth. We don’t trust your recollection because an innocent party would have moved on.

If what we surmise is correct, confess. “I wanted you so much I made up a lie to hurt you, to make you jealous, and to make you want me more.” See if that doesn’t cause your husband to put the club away for good.

Wayne & Tamara

Strangers In The Night

Well, this is a doozy. I am 32, female, and recently divorced. I met a guy who seemed super sweet and texted zillions of times a day. He stayed two nights at my house. The first night we just cuddled, and the second we “fooled around.”

Two nights later he stayed in a neighboring town with a girl he also just met. With me he went from zero to sixty to zero in moments with no explanation. Why do I feel so darned crummy when it was so short and not even a relationship?

Franci

Franci, trust is the hardest of all traits to create because it takes time and many affirmative acts to establish. You skipped a step. You gave trust to someone who hadn’t yet built trust. Like baking a cake without flour or eggs, this always leaves an unpleasant aftertaste.

Wayne & Tamara