Growing up I thought I had a typical, possibly even idyllic, childhood until my mother left my father for another man. Both parents pressured me to be the woman of the house for my three younger siblings. Rightly or wrongly, I made the choice to abandon it all and move out. At 17 I was on my own.

Most people who meet my mom love her, but she is a manipulative, self-involved woman hiding behind the facade of perfection. Only those of us who see past that facade understand how destructive she can be.

My mother was raised in a strict Irish patriarchal household. While her family was patriarchal, ours revolved around her, her needs and wants and her requirements. She deludes herself into thinking she was the perfect parent, though the evidence is right in front of her face. One brother and I are distant from the family, our sister is extremely angry, and our other brother, in his 40s, still lives with her and has never married.

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A few years ago I put together and headed a special team at work, consisting of myself, a close female friend, and a male. We became a close team just by personality and the nature of our work. He was single when we began working together and private in his personal affairs. When he married, I recall us being surprised. I also recall noticeable stress as they adjusted to one another.

He and I continued to come together as friends and more. It was quite some time before we became lovers. I remember all the subtleties that developed as two people became closer. These were the dynamics of a man and a woman staking a claim and becoming more inclusive.

A year later emotional intimacy began to surface, and we openly talked about feelings and desires. We acted on our feelings, and headstrong went into an affair lasting the following year. It was difficult balancing the pull to be near each other with the burden of guilt and secrecy.

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A House Divided

I have three children, and the oldest is not my husband’s. We have been married nine years and have major fights about his mother. My mother-in-law pretty much ignores my 10-year-old daughter, who is not her grandchild, but has been around her since she was six months.

My mother-in-law always wants my 9-year-old daughter to come to her house. My daughter will cry if I tell her not today, maybe tomorrow. She has become almost as obsessed with grandma as grandma is with her, but she doesn’t show it unless my mother-in-law calls.

If I say I want my child to stay home tonight, my mother-in-law calls my husband and tells on me, as if I’m not allowed to say no. Then my husband gets mad because he says his mother is old, and it doesn’t hurt anything.

I’ve tried to explain she’s ruining my relationship with my daughter. My mother-in-law is good at crying, being nasty, and faking nice when it’s convenient. I try to be nice, but I am getting sick of her starting fights.

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