Wading Pool

Almost three years ago I found out my wife had been phoning a man she met on a business trip. They talked for about four months, and she swears they did not meet again, though she made one business trip back to where she met him. At the time he was married and 55, and she was in her early 40s. I wanted her to tell me his name so I could call and confront him.

But the therapist we went to and the one I went to said that would be a bad idea. My wife says she is sorry and it was the biggest mistake of her life. I have always planned special getaways to nice places for us, yet she met this guy at the bar in a chain restaurant that caters to families and a younger crowd.

Although he is older I know he has to be good-looking because she is super critical of looks. My wife is beautiful; I mean she looks like she is in her 20s. I look older but have been told by many people I am handsome enough to be an actor. It kills me to think I am not attractive to her.

I still want his name because I know with a brief conversation I can establish whether he slept with her. She says I will never let up even if I find out his name. She also says she fears I will do something violent, which is what my therapist said.

In a world that is unfair and lacks justice, I want some justice. This man came into my life and ruined it. I can’t ruin his life, but I can make him uncomfortable.

Art

Art, the person you have a vow with is the only person you should be concerned with. Your wife told you he is older. Perhaps that is the one thing she thought she could say to settle you down.

But you don’t know what she said to this man, and if she looks as young as you say, he may be a younger man she used to feel good about herself. You are angry at him not because he took your wife, but because he took your pride. You seek a justice that allows you to stay with her by putting the blame on him.

Whether this man is handsome and older or young and dirt-ugly doesn’t matter. You believe she did something she had no right to do. The issue is not this person’s identity, but whether the focus of your marriage has been on looks, not love, and whether your marriage is more than skin-deep.

Wayne & Tamara

My Bad

I married the wrong man for the wrong reasons. We have known each other for about five years and been married less than a year. I know I am an awful person, right? Before I married Ed I was an energetic free-spirited person. Now my friends and family tell me I have changed and not for the better. He is a nice guy, but we don’t want the same things. Help me figure a way out of this mess.

Kiara

Kiara, this isn’t unusual. Your relationship wasn’t going to end until you married him. It’s a head game many people play on themselves: I’ve been with him four years, and unless I get a proposal, I will feel I failed. Sometimes a mistake has to be fully made before we can admit it.

Your heart knows it’s wrong. It doesn’t feel the way it should feel. So go to him and be honest. Don’t point a finger at him. Take all the blame on yourself; otherwise his next bride will suffer for what you have done to him. Take the full burden of consequences on yourself because that will help you not to do it again.

Wayne & Tamara