Seven years ago I was involved with a married military officer. In the beginning I was unaware he was married. He chose to tell me after three weeks. After a lot of back and forth and pursuing me, I weakened, and the affair lasted six months. Then he, his wife, and children were moved to another duty station.

In the ensuing 18 months he came back for training, and each time would contact me. The last time I told him not to contact me again, ever. He stopped. I finally felt free of guilt, and he never entered my mind. Two weeks ago, out of the blue, he called. In my mind we were never friends, so I was surprised he was looking for a shoulder to cry on.

He is now a colonel, and he said he was getting a divorce and his wife thought he was cheating. I asked, “Were you?” His reply was, “Not really. I was just really close to someone. Sure we went to dinner a lot because I am stationed far from home right now and we didn’t want to move our kids out of school.”

I listened for awhile—I wish I hadn’t—and he told me details of the divorce. His wife even went to his commanding officer about the affair. His commanding officer told her, if this was a pattern, they would have to address it.

I finally stopped him. I told him I couldn’t listen. I was sad for his family and had to go. When he e-mailed, I asked him not to contact me again. Now I am going through all the guilt about being in an affair with a married man. I need to find my own peace, but that is a separate issue.

When I put myself in his wife’s shoes, I would welcome any knowledge. I thought about contacting her. A friend of mine who has been through a cheating marriage encouraged me. A friend who is a psychologist says there is no right or wrong to telling, so do some soul-searching about whether to tell.

Part of me says suffer in silence and let it go. That is my lot for participating. Part of me says his wife should know. Her children and her life will be affected by the divorce and the knowledge will help. Yet it will hurt, too.

Bree

Bree, this man didn’t reappear to help you. He didn’t come back to apologize for the negative impact he had on your life. He came back for his own purposes. He has himself to blame for picking up the phone to cry on your shoulder. The question is, what are your purposes?

There are reasons you may want to tell. He lied to begin an affair with you, and you have self-loathing because of it. Now he has put in your way a chance to do what you could have done when he first approached you seven years ago: tell his wife. Telling the wife would say to him, “You cannot use me again without repercussions.”

His wife, as far as you know, is blameless. She may be struggling with her decision to divorce. She may feel guilty about separating the family and making a claim on his military retirement. Coming forward would confirm the justness of her decision. In addition, the military has a code of honor, and the military expects excellence, not deception, from senior officers.

There is a final reason to tell. It is not to our advantage to let people jump ahead of us in line, or steal without being punished, or cheat on exams. The only advantage goes to the cheater. For the rest of us in society, it is best for the cost of cheating to always outweigh the benefits. If he won’t man-up and admit his actions, perhaps you should man-up for him.

Wayne & Tamara