Wading Pool

Almost three years ago I found out my wife had been phoning a man she met on a business trip. They talked for about four months, and she swears they did not meet again, though she made one business trip back to where she met him. At the time he was married and 55, and she was in her early 40s. I wanted her to tell me his name so I could call and confront him.

But the therapist we went to and the one I went to said that would be a bad idea. My wife says she is sorry and it was the biggest mistake of her life. I have always planned special getaways to nice places for us, yet she met this guy at the bar in a chain restaurant that caters to families and a younger crowd.

Although he is older I know he has to be good-looking because she is super critical of looks. My wife is beautiful; I mean she looks like she is in her 20s. I look older but have been told by many people I am handsome enough to be an actor. It kills me to think I am not attractive to her.

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I moved in with my boyfriend five months ago. We’ve been friends for two years, but only started being romantic a few months before I moved in. We have the same values and want the same things: starting a co-op, starting a family, running a farm, and promoting a better economic system.

Big, big dreams! I’ve known him to be all the things I wanted in a partner—strong, supportive, and optimistic. But almost as soon as I moved in he started to fall apart. He’s in university with straight A’s, but this term he’s been sleeping in, missing class, and failing to concentrate on his homework. He says his intestines feel like razor blades when he tries to study.

He spends most of his time playing computer games. He misses buses, forgets to call people, and doesn’t know what day it is. He says most days he wakes up not wanting to be alive. He is far from the optimistic, outgoing guy I’ve always known.

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Full Circle

In 2003 I started dating Philip, a man nine years my senior. We dated three months, and he kept our relationship a secret from everyone. Later I dated one of his friends, and we fell in love and married.

It was not until I dated my husband that I learned while I dated Philip he was living with one woman and dating another. Yes, three women at one time. But since I was happy, in love, and married to the man of my dreams, it was of no consequence.

Three years later Philip has no job and no place to live. My husband says he can live with us until he gets on his feet. He lives with us a year and a half, free of charge, with no job until the last two months. When we asked him to pay a modest rent, he agreed.

He makes the first payment, then moves out…and in with my mother! My mother has a history of bad relationships. Her typical man moves in, takes everything she has, and moves on. Needless to say, I am floored. Philip contributes next to nothing to her financially. He’s cheated on my mother twice that I know of.

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Seven years ago I was involved with a married military officer. In the beginning I was unaware he was married. He chose to tell me after three weeks. After a lot of back and forth and pursuing me, I weakened, and the affair lasted six months. Then he, his wife, and children were moved to another duty station.

In the ensuing 18 months he came back for training, and each time would contact me. The last time I told him not to contact me again, ever. He stopped. I finally felt free of guilt, and he never entered my mind. Two weeks ago, out of the blue, he called. In my mind we were never friends, so I was surprised he was looking for a shoulder to cry on.

He is now a colonel, and he said he was getting a divorce and his wife thought he was cheating. I asked, “Were you?” His reply was, “Not really. I was just really close to someone. Sure we went to dinner a lot because I am stationed far from home right now and we didn’t want to move our kids out of school.”

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My life has been a disaster. My father was a legendary drunk who lied, chased women, and left us penniless when he died at age 48. My mother was hooked on prescription pills, smoked like a chimney, and was miserable until she passed. My sister is alcoholic and will probably die drunk.

I managed to get a master’s degree and some successes, but typically in relationships I lose myself and the rest of my life crashes and burns. I’ve been so codependent in the past I lost a job by trying to please a woman. Then, of course, she left because I didn’t have a job! I suppose I have to laugh about that.

I had some problems with booze also, but I haven’t drunk in 12 years. Here is something you wrote which definitely applies to me: “The effects on children of living with an alcoholic are well known. These include depression, inability to form close relationships, relentless self-criticism, inability to complete projects, and constant approval seeking. Children growing up in a household with an alcoholic are damaged children.”

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