Narrow Escape

I have been in a relationship with this guy for almost two years. After a couple of months, he made a suggestion that we should let each other know about our whereabouts and ask permission to do certain stuff. He doesn’t like me wearing any makeup or exposing my body too much, and for most of our relationship I obeyed him.

I know he loves me because I really feel it whenever he is around, but there is a problem with his attitude. We had a fight a few months back and he hit me. After some time the problem was solved and we were back on track. Now a few days ago we had another fight and he dug his fingernails into my wrist. At that point I got really angry and ended the relationship.

I know there may be another violent situation, then another and another until something bad happens. After our separation he called my friend, and they were talking. When she popped the big question and asked how he could do something like that, he was like…when he really loves someone and they do something bad to him, or get him mad, he could even kill them!

Personally I think this is totally ridiculous, but do you think there should be any considerations on whether I should speak to him and see if he could change, or should I go on with my life?

Edie

Edie, when we read your letter we couldn’t stop hearing the words “Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly.” This isn’t even a close call. You were involved with a controlling man with a temper, a man who assaulted you, a man who says he could kill someone he “loves.” This is where the Run-Girl-Run alarm should clang in your head.

When a woman becomes involved with a brutish man, it is not usually because it started that way. In the beginning she was offered love, the lure which gives him the power he craves. A good book explaining the process is “Dragonslippers” by Rosalind B. Penfold, and the website hotpeachpages.net lists organizations to help women in these relationships.

We strongly recommend ending all contact with this man. You can’t change him, but you can get hurt trying. If you are tempted to go back, please remember these lines from Mary Howitt’s poem. “The spider turned him round about and went into his den, for well he knew the silly fly would soon come back again.”

Tamara

Starting Point

I have just about the worst dating rap sheet out there. I mean I have dated abusive guys, both physically and emotionally. I have been cheated on, and it killed me. For the past four months I have been sleeping with a married man.

He is a coworker. I am 19 and he is 32. We had what we both thought would be a one-night stand, and it turned into us hanging out and sleeping together every day. Neither of us can stop seeing each other no matter how hard we try. He makes me laugh. I told him things I don’t even tell my psychologist.

I also have huge commitment issues. I have the nickname of Julia, as in Julia Roberts from the movie “Runaway Bride.” I always run from happiness. Please be honest with me and let me know what you think as an outsider.

Marni

Marni, the way we are raised forms the porthole from which we see the world, and it looks like your porthole was in steerage.

Find a psychologist you feel comfortable telling your secrets to. With the right assistance you can break the pattern of abusive men, married men, and cheaters. Do the easy thing now, and you will have a hard life. Do this hard thing now, and you will have a much easier life.

Wayne & Tamara