Where There’s Smoke

I am currently dating a man I know I could fall in love with. Everything matches up—physically, emotionally, sports, and our ideas about the future. But he is legally separated from an alcoholic wife who is the mother of his two teenage daughters.

Today she was arrested for drunk driving and hit-and-run. She fled to my boyfriend’s house for cover and was handcuffed and taken to jail. He is, by the way, a fireman who works many hours and is very responsible. He told me he does not ever want to get back together with her.

I know exes are part of someone’s life, but should I back out of this relationship because of the drama, or be patient and a shoulder to lean on during the turmoil?

Daphne

Daphne, rats raised to the music of Mozart prefer Mozart, and chicks raised around matchboxes prefer matchboxes to the company of other chicks. Human beings prefer the foods, colors, smells and other items they grew up with. We seek the familiar, and that is why growing accustomed to new situations can be difficult.

This is especially true when the new is also the chaotic. Today this woman created a spectacle at your boyfriend’s house, but what about when it is your house and your friends and neighbors witness the drama? While he is asleep at the fire station, you are going to be dealing with this.

The daughters raised in this difficult situation may have problems of their own. At a minimum you will be tied to this woman for the rest of your life through holidays, graduations, weddings, and grandchildren.

What you call drama is part of yourself warning you not to go there. If you doubt your ability to manage the chaos, then this is not the job for you. Not everyone can be a firefighter. If you aren’t sure you can put out fires, stay away from the flames.

Wayne & Tamara

Skin Deep

I divorced five years ago after an emotionally abusive marriage. Two years ago I met a man I have feelings for, but he is about 40 pounds overweight with a big belly. When we met some of the first words out of his mouth were, “I am in the process of losing weight and do not like being fat.”

He has come a long way, but he does not stick with it. I cannot get physically attracted to him when he is heavy, yet I know if he were fit, I would be. When he gains I feel repulsed by the way he eats and his choice of food. Despite our common interests, my feelings are now changing toward the platonic. I am resigned that he will never lose the weight he needs to.

People say if I truly loved him his weight would not matter. While I do not want to walk away from what could be my other half, I do not want to put more time into a dead end.

Terry

Terry, Shakespeare said some people are born great while others have greatness thrust upon them. You are hoping this man will have thinness thrust upon him, but it doesn’t work that way. You see his potential as a thin male, but it is up to him to recognize and realize his own potential.

It is not just his weight. You are not in love with him. What he looks like is more important than who he is. If you stay with him, every meal will become a struggle between playing food cop and being turned off.

If you had other options, you would not be writing us. It is not that you are walking away from your other half; it is that you don’t have someone else to date right now. End this relationship, move on, and don’t date anyone you cannot fully accept.

Wayne & Tamara