Butt Of The Matter

I have been married 12 years and am pregnant with our second child. Our oldest is two and a half. About 10 months ago, my husband began smoking a daily cigar, and it has since escalated into cigarettes. I cannot begin to tell you how much I hate this.

I talked to him, and he quit for a few days and then started right back up. I made an appointment with our family physician without his knowledge to see if my husband can get a prescription of the stop-smoking drug. I let him know what I did, and he said it was a good idea.

Here is my question. If he chooses not to take the drug or decides to smoke anyway, is smoking a viable reason for leaving him? I love my husband, but I did not sign on to marry a smoker. The smell on his breath and clothes makes me sick and gives me headaches. I can’t bear the thought of him holding our newborn smelling that way.

I am angry all the time because of this. My husband is the kind of personality who will string me along for years saying he will quit, or say, “This time I promise.” Or he might justify himself by saying it’s his body and his choice. Leaving seems like the only recourse.

Stephanie

Stephanie, for a nonsmoker, smoking can tread on the same territory that makes us recoil at filthy bathrooms or flies on our food. Your husband’s logic—it’s my body and I can do as I choose—could as easily allow you to decide to stop cooking or become celibate. But all that begs the question, why at his age did he start smoking?

People who engage in passive-aggressive actions feel anger at a person who frustrates their goals. They want to injure that person. So the question is, could your husband want you to divorce him? Could this be his plan?

Subconsciously, he may feel it will make you look small if you divorce him over this. But it doesn’t. What it shows is his separateness from his wife. What it shows is a lack of loyalty, a lack of compassion, and a lack of care. This is not how two people in love act and react to one another.

It’s time to get to the root of his anger—and yours. It is time for a face-off over the ashtray.

Wayne & Tamara

Crime And Punishment

One of my male friends has been cheating on his girlfriend (also a friend) for the past year and a half. They are now looking to buy a house together, but he is still cheating and willing to cheat until he gets caught! I can’t tell her as I don’t want to hurt her, and I have the feeling she would forgive him anyway and blame the other person.

Problem is, the other person is me! I just wish a year and a half ago I never told him I didn’t want a relationship, because now I do. We see each other whenever we can, though it’s more of a sexual thing. As time goes on I’ve fallen for him and love meeting him, even if it’s just for sex.

Kylie

Kylie, a survey of college professors found that 94 percent think they are above average professors. That’s self-deception on a mass scale, and your letter is self-deception on an individual scale.

When you betray a friend, you are no friend. When you let a man think you are a goodtime girl to get a date, you’ve found someone not worth dating. If you don’t change, you will not only be alone without a man, but alone without friends.

Our wish is that you surround yourself with people like yourself. If you change, that will be your reward. If you don’t, it will be your punishment.

Wayne & Tamara