Across The Pond

After I split from my husband, I met a lovely Englishman at a bar in New York. He ended up staying with me for a week. He was on a cross-country trip which would end in California. We talked almost every day on his cross-country drive, and he eventually asked me to stay with him for a few days in California.

I was feeling adventurous and agreed. We had a lovely time. About four months later he came to visit me in New York and stayed for another week. Four months after that I went to London to stay with him. We had a great time except for the elephant in the room, the distance factor.

After some telephone conversations he said he wanted to ask me if it was serious, but didn’t know how. I would like to try this, but I’m afraid of heartbreak, especially because he never tells me how he feels about me. He is a good man, and I’m slowly starting to fall in love.

But I have no idea how he feels about me, and I’m not getting the feedback I need. He has been dumped many times and cheated upon, so I tell myself this is the reason he is so guarded. Is this a recipe for heartache?

Zelda

Zelda, a lot of research has been done on overconfidence, and it shows that most people are too confident in their judgments. Overconfidence has been found in medical doctors, clinical psychologists, engineers, and lawyers. It has also been found in security analysts, though these days that is not news to anyone.

Interestingly, two groups which don’t suffer from overconfidence are expert bridge players and weather forecasters. Because both groups receive immediate feedback on their judgments, they tend to know where they stand in relation to the facts.

Because you aren’t getting the feedback you need from this man, you have invented positive feedback. You believe he is guarded because he has been hurt by other women. But making up feedback is like driving with your eyes closed.

It’s time for that long overdue conversation which may indicate whether you have a weekend relationship, or one which can last a lifetime.

Wayne & Tamara

No Way Back

My wife and I met in college. In five years of marriage I can count on one hand the number of arguments we had, but problems started a year ago after we bought our house. In June, after doing a lot of thinking, I told my wife I didn’t know if I wanted to be married to her anymore.

She was devastated. She filed for divorce without telling me, and the only way I found out was through an invoice in the mail. I confronted her, and she said she was sorry. Later, on a business trip, I met a girl and started a romance which was fueled by the problems in my marriage.

I kept the affair a secret from my wife until I left my e-mail open and she read the e-mails back and forth. My wife left and has not spoken to me since. I know I have destroyed her, and I deeply regret what I have done. What can I do to get her back and get things back to the way they were before?

Ed

Ed, when most of us think of emotion, we think of things like anger, sorrow, or joy. An emotion we seldom consider is disgust, but disgust is a potent emotion. People who have been cheated on often say they felt like throwing up. That is a sign of intense disgust, and disgust makes us want to get away from its cause.

Whatever your infidelity meant to you, it triggered disgust in your wife and acted as a danger signal which said, flee! That reaction is hardwired into us, and that is why affairs divide a life into before and after.

Wayne & Tamara