Self-Defense

I am one of a group of mothers with children in the same preschool. We share play dates together. At one play date with two other mothers at my house, one of them became angry with me.

I couldn’t think of a thing I did to offend her, so I asked the other mother. She couldn’t think of anything either. She suggested confronting the first mother, but I decided against that, thinking if she was truly a friend she would approach me.

But she didn’t. She stayed angry. I think she is jealous of the rapport the second woman and I share because our children are the same age. The first woman has gone to extraordinary lengths to make me feel excluded when we are all together. She invites the other woman to events without extending the invitation to me and my daughter.

I am finding it harder and harder to be in the group without her taking a passive stab at me. I no longer want to be friends with her, but that also means I have to give up my other friends and so does my daughter, which is not fair.

Every time I try to turn down invitations from women in the group, they won’t let me bow out gracefully. If you haven’t guessed by now, I do not like confrontation. How can I back away without hurting feelings and making it more awkward?

Pat

Pat, most of the lasting lessons we learn are from our parents, and often those lessons were never directly taught. If you are passive, your daughter may learn to always give in to people who act badly. Solve this problem for yourself, and you are likely to solve it for her as well.

Reacting appropriately in each situation, instead of reacting the same way in all situations, is a valuable skill to possess. Though being passive works sometimes, if your only defense is avoidance, you will often find yourself defenseless.

Perhaps your life has been mostly calm water; perhaps you don’t like confrontation because you have no experience with it. In that case, get a book or take a workshop on assertiveness training.

That would be one way to begin. Or you could think outside the box. Women often enroll a daughter in dance class, but few consider tae kwon do, judo, or another martial art. These methods of training are not the latest hip thing but approaches to life which have existed for centuries.

Martial arts develop self-confidence, poise, and restraint. They help people protect themselves emotionally as well as physically, and it is something you and your daughter could do together.

We are not trying to make either of you Bruce Lee, but this is one method of solving a problem without appearing to work on it. In addition, when your daughter is 18, she will have a safeguard dance class can never give her.

Wayne & Tamara

Plan Of Attack

I can’t begin to tell you the hopelessness I feel, so I’ll spare all details. The summary is I stayed 40 years in an alcoholic marriage, watching helplessly as the environment destroyed my children and turned me into a sickly, fearful woman. I worked, cared for my children, and just kept going.

My husband is now retired, and I help care for my grandchildren while their divorced moms try to pick up the pieces of their own lives. I don’t know how to leave. I am so ashamed of my part in this mess. My children will not involve themselves. What can I do?

Catherine

Catherine, the answer today is what the answer has always been. You must act. A lawyer can tell you what you are entitled to. A women’s shelter, and if need be the police, can help you exit the marriage. It is never too late to accept the challenges of life.

Wayne & Tamara