Hearing that your cheating spouse is “in love” with someone else is devastating. I hear often, “I can handle her having sex with someone else. I think I can live with that. But, for her to give herself emotionally and “love” someone else…man, that is hard.” (Feel free to substitute the word he for she in this article.)

What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?

So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her back.”

He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions… daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.

It doesn’t work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found “love.”

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Abuse, Part Two

I am 30, married, with two daughters. I am now discovering the effects my alcoholic parents had on me. I am in college studying for a bachelor’s degree in human services, and I have learned a lot about what I went through as a child.

So, I confronted my mother about her addiction. On the phone she ignores my words and hangs up on me. When I e-mailed, she replied she no longer considers herself my mother. I know I cannot change her, she can only change herself. But I want her to know how she’s impacted me.

I also want her not to act the fool when the children or I visit. She strips naked, uses vulgar language, et cetera. I haven’t heard from her in a month. I do not know what to do. Do I stay away and wait for her to realize what she is missing?

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There are many things in our culture that grab us and won’t let go. Sometimes sex is one of them. Perhaps that’s the case for you or your spouse/partner.

Sexual addiction plays a prominent role in the “I Can’t Say No” kind of extramarital affair I outline in my E-book, “Break Free From the Affair.”

These questions are intended to help you be more aware of some behaviors that perhaps indicate that sex has a hold on you. If you answer yes to three or more questions it probably is wise to take a closer look at the place of sex in your life.

1) Do I have sex at inappropriate times, inappropriate places and/or with the wrong people?

2) Do I make promises to myself or rules for myself concerning my sexual behavior that I find I cannot follow?

3) Have I lost count of the number of sexual partners I’ve had in the past 3 years?

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The fifth affair I outline in my book, “Break Free From The Affair” is called: “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her.” This is the revenge affair.

It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in infidelity. It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one’s spouse.

Key Points:

1. The affair may be a direct response to the affair of the spouse. “I’ll show you! Take this! I want you to hurt as much as I hurt.” Or the affair may be revenge for some other form of cut-off or perceived emotional injury: “I’m not getting enough here, so I’ll show you!” Or, “There, I got your attention!”

2. This typically occurs in a marriage where effective personal confrontation does not happen or happens ineffectively. There is a mistrust of expressing one’s self fully to the other person. The marriage relationship usually is marked by civility, but the two, in essence, do not know each other very well. They are polite, but there is no fire. They may want more, but are not sure how to get more.

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When you spy on your suspected cheating spouse, please make sure you consider all the possibilities you might encounter and whether you can handle them.

Have you considered the many situations that spying might uncover? Can you imagine the worst thing you might find? Predict what your response will be to the worst-case scenario. Are you ready? Here are some specific questions to ask:

1) Do I have friends I can count on for support if I discover the worst? Do they know I might need them? Have I told them exactly how they might help me? Do I have the capacity to stand back from the deep emotions and not get mired or lost in destructive thoughts and feelings?

2) How have I handled emotional pain in the past? What if it gets almost unbearable? If I encounter the worst possible emotional hurt and pain, do I have a therapist I can contact immediately and see soon to help me through the rough spots?

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