Rewriting History

My wife and I have been married 40 years. I recently found out that 14 months after we married she began a three year affair. I was called to active duty in the Air Force at the time and sent out of state. Not knowing how long I would be gone, she moved back home.

The affair began immediately after I left. I had no idea. I knew her for four years before our marriage, and she came from a good Christian family. Although I made it back home every other weekend, the affair continued. After 18 months I was released from active duty, and we moved into an apartment.

Low and behold, soon after I returned I got a fantastic promotion that required me to be out of town Monday through Friday. The affair continued full steam ahead. At one point my wife asked me for a divorce, giving no specific reason. Unfortunately I talked her out of it.

The shocker was when my wife also admitted to a one-night stand with her boyfriend’s best friend just to make her lover jealous. She also admitted having sex with a guy she met at a dance club. Although this was more than 30 years ago, it seems like it happened yesterday.

We are seeing a counselor presently, but it’s not doing me much good. I still have visions about the affairs and find it hard to forgive her.

Ian

Ian, history is the slave of written records. If someone wrote the history of your marriage, they would have a marriage license, birth and graduation records, bills, and decades of photographs—but the real story would be untold.

In the law there is something known as an incompensible wrong. If someone mows down your rose bushes, they can be forced to compensate you for your loss, but if someone mows down your child, there is no adequate compensation. What is the price of a life?

Your wife has stolen your peace of mind, and it is not in her interest to tell you more than you already know. Because you and you alone have suffered a traumatic event, you need individual counseling with someone who will not diminish what you are going through.

Part of that involves sifting through the ashes of the past to separate fact from fiction. The meaning of your life with her, even the paternity of your children, are open to question. You must also deal with a range of negative emotions: anger at her betrayal, sadness at what you’ve lost, fear of going forward, and contempt for her as a person.

Then you can decide where and how to spend your remaining years. She doesn’t get to decide. She had her life and she had yours, too. You don’t have to lash out and hurt her, you just have to decide on your future.

Wayne & Tamara

Matchmaking Or Meddling?

I have two friends; we’ll call them Bill and Sheila. They’ve known each other more than 20 years, and everyone thinks they are perfect for each other. Neither has ever married. Friends have tried setting them up, but either one of them was in a relationship or the other was just out of a bad relationship.

Currently neither is involved with anyone. Schedules and location make it difficult at this point, but Bill wants to try. He’s worried if it doesn’t work out their 20 year friendship will go down the drain. Are his fears of losing his best friend justified?

Annie

Annie, we can’t work our will on others. You may want to bring them together, but this is all about them. If there were a mutual attraction, you would be hard-pressed to keep them apart.

Everyone wants Bill and Sheila together but Bill and Sheila. Has Bill really decided? Or is this what Annie and “everyone” have decided?

Wayne & Tamara